Love Note #2: Finding Confidence in Your Own Being
Greetings beautiful hearts!
This morning I said something to my sweetie to which he replied, “You’re so confident. Where does all that confidence come from?” I reflected, started talking and then said, “Here, let me record this as I’m about to download some good stuff.” To which he replied, “See? See what I mean?”
I’ve spent plenty of time in my life feeling insecure. Insecurity is like shifting ground under our feet. There’s nowhere solid to stand or move from. What do we lean into or grow outward from when the very floor beneath our feet isn’t reliable?
No matter our age or maturity, a feeling of insecurity can rise naturally when we are doing something new, and we aren’t yet sure of our capacities to handle it. A healthy child learning to walk often moves slowly, tentatively, discovering her capacity to stay upright, to move her feet the right way, to maintain balance. As she has the experience of success, she grows more confident in her capacities. When she can’t yet trust her balance or the coordination of her little legs, and she falls, she might give it another try, learning as she goes. If she gets frustrated, she might sit on the floor and cry, releasing the stress that built up in her body from the foiled attempts.
In this way, she moves forward a bit, discovers, learns, strengthens, fails, tries again, gives up, rests, cries, and tries again. She doesn’t yet have a sense of a “self” who can be a winner or a loser — she’s simply life moving in the way life moves, and learning and growing is happening. As that whole process unfolds, her confidence in her ability to walk grows. Pretty soon she’s not even thinking about walking, she just walks. The next challenge she meets (running, jumping) is now built on her sturdy confidence in her capacity not only to walk, but also to try something new and to learn and master.
If little ones are not allowed the space to experiment, that process is interrupted. If while we are experimenting, attempting, succeeding, falling, crying, and trying again, we are teased, laughed at, distracted, heaped instruction upon, sped up, criticized, interfered with, pushed before we are ready, then the beautiful and natural unfolding and mastering process becomes distorted. Even the things we do master from that place of interference can be on shaky ground, because they aren’t woven into the fabric of our own natural unfolding, connected to ground, breath, gravity, and every cell in our bodies. So we can be performing well and still experience a lack of confidence because that performance was at the expense of a full developed, naturally unfolded, grounded experience of ourselves.
So confidence in particular functions grows as we explore and grow strong in their expression and use. Early places where we were knocked off our own grounded exploration and digestion of our experience can leave places where we remain insecure despite our functioning, And our overall confidence grows with each bit of wisdom and experience, as we build a sense of “I can do stuff. I can sense, know, figure out, ask for help, experiment, get the support I need, grow strong, and evaluate as I go.”
Insecurity as an adult can be digested and moved through in a similar way. We only need spaces where we can feel into the undigested emotion, the places where we skipped steps, weren’t grounded, weren’t protected, weren’t supported, and had to limp along from a wobbly base. We can return our consciousness to breath, to ground, to our own felt experience of life, meeting the undigested experience, mistrust and insecurity as we go.
We need lab spaces where we can experiment with the sprouts in us and gain confidence. Where we can start resting into the ground of being, and from there, follow our own impulses to explore. (You might like this free guided meditation to assist you to sink into that ground). A therapy space can be like this, but so can a private room and your own experimentation, alone or with a pal. After a while we can become the mediators and negotiators for our own experimental spaces. For example, in the last two years I’ve been creating spaces where I can emerge and grow strong in my largely unexplored musical capacities: guitar and voice lessons, playing with my sweetie, singing on my own, sharing songs with other students, and attending open mics all contribute to this. In all these spaces where possible, I advocate for the pace I need, the support I need, how much feedback I can metabolize, so that those spaces are tuned just right to the exploration I’m interested in.
This work is about the embodiment of the truth, presence and love that we are. And this is why the work has so many lab spaces, from the Q&As and dyad exercises in the longer online events, to the partner practice and groups in the intensive programs, to the experimental spaces in in-person retreats, within which each person who wants to can follow their own curiosity and pull to explore, heal, embody and express the truth as it moves through them.
The unexplored heart is a tender sprout - at first it needs supportive spaces within which to heal, express, experiment, and at times, seek guidance. There is a natural tendency in us not only to emerge, grow strong and express, but also to heal, unwind and untangle, and resume the development and expression of the kaleidoscope of our human capacities. We all deserve spaces where we are seen, invited out, protected, encouraged and given just enough challenge to grow in our ability to live the fullness and promise of our light. That’s what we do in this work, and that’s what I’d love to hold space for you to experience.
In it with you!
Jeannie
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