Love Note #6: Discovering Ourselves Beyond 'Good' and 'Bad'

Dear Friends - 

Some years ago, I found a photo of my toddler self looking up at my Mom with pain in my face. At the time, I was engaged bringing unconscious patterns and beliefs into consciousness to digest and heal. I thought the photo might give me a clue about my early emotional life.

I asked, “Mom, can you tell me about this photo? What’s going on here?” I was struck by the fact that the moment had been photo-worthy to her. She replied, “Oh, you were so sensitive. I could ask you, ‘Is Jeannie a bad girl?’ and your face would crumple. Then I would say, ‘No, Jeannie is a good girl!’ and your face would beam.”

The dichotomy of bad one/good one lies at the bottom of our psyche at the root level of division. It is one of the most fundamental splits, upon which layers of conditioning and coping are built. While a healthy child’s task is to grow into whatever she IS, the pain and unexamined beliefs that our caregivers carry often have us turning our focus toward a less wholesome quest: to seek to be seen as a good one in order to win the love and approval of those around us, and to avoid being seen as a bad one, thereby minimizing displeasure or outright punishment.

When we sit in the depth of our own presence, judgments fade. We look out of eyes that bless things as they are. That the bird sings, wonderful. That the garbage truck rumbles by, cool. If we don’t go to the mind that has been trained and raised on division, but rather root and resource our bodies in the moment, what rises within or is presented from without is all just the flow of phenomena – the expression of a mysterious source beyond sense perception.

Freedom starts in discovering this presence and realizing it as our most core being. No longer are we beholden to the limitations of the conditional when we regard the world from this innocence. We are like newborn babies, simply receiving all that is. Freedom continues with the willingness to examine the places where we are living from the unconscious belief that some aspects of the flow of phenomena are good ones, some are bad ones, and that there is an object called “me” that could be deemed good or bad based on this belief system. Not only is everything simply as it is, but I am as I am. And all is blessed, because it is!

We can discover some of these entrenched beliefs by playfully completing each of these sentences and exploring the terrain: “I am bad if I….” and “I am good if I….” We can also discover them by noticing what sorts of things we try to be seen as, and what kinds of things we attempt to hide about ourselves. What aspects of ourselves, if expressed or shared, will cause us to feel shame? Very likely this is an area where embodied division is dictating how we should be, interrupting a deep connection to, and natural expression of, life and wholeness.

These beliefs are not all laid in with disapproval and harshness. For example, my mother once said very sweetly to my infant daughter, “Your mother would love you more if you weren’t crying,” while peering into her reddened face. These are typical beliefs in our culture, and they are fed to us with breast milk and cookies by those who love us. Other beliefs are laid in with punishment, harshness, abandonment, isolation and abuse. Uncovering them can involve much more than a simple mental insight, and can require compassionate and tender care to explore, digest and move through.

We are human. We are supposed to be human. We are fallible, we make mistakes, we hurt others, we miss the mark. However, we can learn without being shamed. We can learn in the context of blessing, love and connectedness. We don’t need to be harsh to help a little one learn something. In the words of my wise child, “Mama, if you want me to do something, talk to me in a softer voice, not a louder voice.”

We can heal from the ways cursing energy (“That’s bad!”) has been directed toward us, and the ways that our psyches were formed to abandon ourselves to please others and be seen as a good one. Sitting in our own presence is deeply healing – coming into contact with what is known as The Unconditioned, and abiding there. And then using our intelligence, curiosity and resources to face and digest the places in our embodiment where we are operating from shame. Then we begin to allow this beauty and freedom to not only be visited on our meditation cushions, but also to express itself through our voices, hearts, actions and lives.

Bless you, human!

With love,
Jeannie

PS If you’d like to delve more deeply into this theme, check out this free self-guided recording Good, Bad, IS. 

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